The last few days had been surprisingly lonely. I found out that it’s kinda tough to be happy all the time! Gah! I’d imagined me-the-invincible could do it! It was made worse as some friends had been visiting from
and after they left, I suddenly realized my life was completely wrapped up in office affairs. Not that I’m complaining, but I’d been going to work every day, hung out after work with colleagues, and then went to the house where I lived with colleagues. It began to feel like I had no life beyond Video Volunteers. I spent a few nights staring at the ‘starfield’ screensaver on my computer, listening to music, thinking of friends and family. I thought ‘profound’ thoughts about how each pinpoint of white in the screensaver is a dot of happiness in my horizon. I thought about rushing into the mad world without knowing what it has in store for me. Delhi
Spending a few hours on the beach with Pinky-the-puppy strangely didn’t help much as I had to leave Pinky behind. Despite a liberal dose of the much missed puppy breath, I returned home still feeling a little spaced out.
I got an invite to my bosses’ house for a party they were throwing for their friends. It was a Sunday, and I decided to go to the office party, well, because I don’t really have much else to do anyway right – no life beyond VV…
The party turned out to be a revelation. I found the food, piled up my plate and found a quiet corner near the dance floor for some good ol’ voyeuristic pleasure. I watched a very solemn guy play some hardcore Punjabi music and do a weird boobie shake. I watched a colleague surreptitiously remove a few bottles of wine and then announce to the world that he’d stolen the wine and if anyone needed help stealing a few more he’d be more than happy to help. (He later sat down at the end of the stairs and decided he wanted to spend the night there!) The night went on to see the catering boys do a fantastic impromptu jig for everyone. I caught a certain web developer for a famous newspaper indulge in animal cruelty as he kicked our lame, blind dog Baga ‘for fun’. We proceeded to suitably punish him verbally by LOUDLY criticizing his dancing style, choice of clothing, his face, his shoes and generally everything else we could think of. (Being mean is justified after a suitable amount of wine and if you’re karmically correct!). A friend managed to convince our teetotaler senior to ‘just taste’ some wine… I (unfortunately) saw a hairy beary scary guy slurp on his gorgeous girlfriend’s face and was disgusted enough to want to walk down the stairs and sit alone for a while, stargazing… my wine induced train of thought brought me the realization stars are singular and solitary in the vast inky sky, but only when all of them are visible, they create a splendid splash of sparkle. There is a huge difference between being lonely and being alone. Being lonely is a stupendous waste of time.
I decided to make up some new rules for myself. All it took was a few moments with myself. I came to the conclusion that I’m incredibly thankful that food in Goa is always amazing, that I haven’t yet been trampled by any of the huge cows, that I always have a long tiring day at work, that I get regular phone calls from far away family and friends, that Baga still flops down and rolls over every time she sees me. And of course, that none of the lizards have given me a heart attack yet!
Going back to new rules - I will cherish old friends. Embrace new ones. Even though I moved to strange new place, in less than a week I’d found the perfect psy buddies, the beach bums, the film addicts, the foodies (that includes ALL my colleagues – I’m quite fat now thank you very much VV team!), the gossip girls, the travel addicts, the animal lovers and Mr. Miyagi-the-super-strict-bike-teacher. All these random profiles have been filled in by colleagues and I just didn’t realize what an advantage it is to be able to be in an office where everyone enjoys life.
I’ve also decided that I will smile more. It’s really cool to see the person opposite you also break out into a surprised smile. I will spend more time connecting with people. Understand what makes them who they are. I’ve decided to be energized. I will dance. I will zone out to some good music. Let the psychedelia play with my mind, unleash my imagination and hear the thump of my feet bouncing to the beats. (And yes momma darling, I will be responsible for my actions). I will bow out of the rat race that holds us all back. I will relinquish the norms of society and stop blindly following what everyone says I should do. This morning I read a great post by the Dalai Lama which said “Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly”. It is time, I think, to break down what society has hammered into our heads for centuries. It is time to create a new world which is about “Peace, Love and Happiness Stuff”. It is time to be curious and explore. It is time to understand the world, make my Karma. I will let go of bad memories. I will relive the great ones. I will share what I know, and learn what I don’t. This is the one chance I get to change the stuff I don’t like about this world, and I’m gonna do it my way.
Sunday night stargazing reinforced my belief that life is always a massive adventure - a celebration of fresh perspectives, bright colours, happiness and shining stars.